Time Warp

Work loads are starting to get into my nerves very recently. I know and I am even told that my existence at home is just merely a passing. The real meaning across is that i am becoming less responsible of the domestic duties I have, regardless of unconscious mental and physical burn out. When I lack sleep, the propensity of my mood surfaces easily when friction happens. One thing I have learned though, is to keep my personal dilemmas away from work even if it was tantamount to breaking out. A shape-shift. I thought of complaining and reason out, but the chances are just slim.

I used to say to my self that I am apolitical. In a very aggressive environment where I am, the likelihood of politics in all aspects is just everywhere. For instance, when you request for something, the one closer gets the higher possibility of getting a yes than coming from someone so tiny in their eyes. Meetings and conferences are just mere avenues to show off or unfortunately get bashed as if they were never committing any mistakes at all. But from a standpoint of a being apolitical, I tally my judgements on how many times I was rather turned down with flimsy excuses. Moreso, it’s aggravated by the word, "It’s not my job." …then who’s job was it if it’s not yours, or mine? This is the last thing I ever wanna hear from my boss ever again than being told you’re fired. So what’s your job? suck politics? Yeah, I did not say politics sucks because it does. I said suck politics like a brainfreezing slurpee from the inconvenient store, or lollilops that stains the tounge in disguise. just do it.might work.

There’s a lot of things in this lifetime that happens to us. Things that are unlikely but real, painful yet encouraging. I have made a number of ups-downs in which its disclosure might mean being impulsive. Along the way, as I travel through the upheavals, I still come back to one thing that will make me happy and content. I felt that the ticket to do what I want is a college degree to land a good a job and make money, but I failed..though it is an understatement.

A two hour and a half movie is the longest movie I think I have ever seen. Unfortunately I have not seen the whole of Saving Private Ryan or The Piano or Schindler’s List.I would find myself dozing off at the middle part and play it again when caught by chance, but same things happen. I guess it’s because I hate movies whose theme shows the WW. I felt they just have the same endings and beginnings. But just now I finished a flick that lasted more than the limit of movies I’d watch. "Into the wild". The early part was just  so light but on the latter part, that’s when it kicks me big time. It’s a true to life story of a man whose mere joy cant be found on material things nor doing the things we want. The drama was actually intensified by melodramatic narration of his sister.He burned all of his identities and money to start something that he’s  been looking for. It may appear selfish considering that he had people around him worried-sick of his whereabouts. his journey wasnt thwarted by money. Along the way, he met strangers who became his friends, and touched lives of people he barely knew. In the end he realized that happiness is nothing when you’re alone with it. The real feeling of being high is useless if you have no one to share it with. I sometimes find myself in the stage of denial that the real solution is just being contented. I guess in time I will.

And there I stood alone limply

while each ticking of the clock

gnaws the very last sense

of me.

The cold and damp air that touches

the supple skin and inside.

A vivid past glides transversely in

each corner, every inch

An embellished bond That once occupied

this,

Slips away as I gingerly grasp

to come to pass and inside.

A sad story.

Of pain.of Deceit.

Hope is fleeting like love

As I opened my eyes.

I am alone in a world

where I left it was.

The once me awaiting,

encompassing the upheaveals.

As I thrive, amidst the darkness

the torch slowly died.

turning into embers and ashes.

The story just ended.

The journey had stopped.

In the nothingness of me,

I am departed.

From a distance, you watch in contentment

While I weep.

Behind the bush I sat

and hear the whispers of the knight.

The song had vanished

This room is left without

but the nothingness of me

I call myself a great human observer. I would always find my attention caught up into something be it simple or odd. It’s not purposely done to judge subjectively the item though there would be times I cant isolate my feelings in giving my point of view.

Most of us are mall freaks. I’m sure that you have noticed these sales ladies in the Department Stores are all wearing make-up in a rather flamboyant colors.Their faces are covered with foundations even whiter than their skin types. Lipstick and mascarra are worn with great pride. I am not a certified make-up user but I know how to look if it fits or otherwise. I’m not trying emphasize that they do not know how to apply make-up but I’m sure it was more obligatory than just being appropriate and fashionable. The task of standing up for eight  hours assisting customers, going back and forth getting sizes is not an easy job. I was thinking why cant these rich management come up with a make up 101 as probably part of a training. I am pretty sure it wouldn’t cost much on their pockets than making these people appear like mascots.

One of the many reasons behind the big companies success is because of manpower. I just realized how far they would go to reach out and think about their benefits. Is it all about money? Or is it all about utilizing the folks more than they have to? Just a thought.

Last December, I got a text message from my bestfriend about the succumb of her father. It shocked me to a point where I felt being on her position. I had no cognizance or whatever about her dad’s struggle over his health ever since she started working abroad. We would normally keep our correspondence via quick chats over yahoo. Although a day prior she told me that she needs prayer for his speedy recovery.At that moment I felt something terrible. I have this i-dont-know gift where I can feel what’s going to happen. When I heard the news, I felt he was on the brink of his death which was obviously something I wouldnt ever tell my best friend. I dont want to entertain the idea of it.So I quickly put my butt in front of the pc, waited for her online and talked.

We have been friends for decades and this were the few moments we ever dont wanna share with..losing someone we love literally.I wish we could all be living, which is odd. Anyway. I remember once, when our high school crush died 13 years or so ago, we lamented over it but had it in a little obscure way. The two of  us were eating on a fast food chain, and imagined he was still living and pretended as if he was with us, talking.it’s funny looking back on it. Yet this time there’s no fun like that. I would circumspectly ask her questions though not sounding insensitive. She is working abroad and I’m not there physically to comfort her. She may be miles from me, but I can sense the poignance across while she types her message sporadically,I was thinking she might be crying at that moment.

I didnt know the right words to say. I found my self just staring at the monitor while my mind tracks back the old days I ‘d spent the night sleeping over at their house while I see his dad work around., or drive, or jokes singly. One day after our conversation,she went home, I fetched her from the airport and she went to the province thereafter. Her family spent Christmas in grief which is unimaginable. As the old cliche goes, only time heals all wounds.We take things lightly as time passes. As painful as it is, we all have our threshold to pain and I know she’ll hold it up well, though the acceptance is still far from the offing. When she came back from home, she told me she didnt look at her father in the casket because the memory of her father shall remain living  in her heart and mind..that once she looked at it, it maybe corrupted.

Death is imminent and we dont know when it is coming. I fear death as everyone does. I am not christianly or what-so-ever who says that the word of the Lord will make us prepare. It’s not that I want to refute the famous statement, which I think is very true, yet still there’s just a part of me that says it’s fun living.I cant be prepared. It’s fun to be alive…how about those with terminal diseases…I’m sure dying is just a gift..then maybe they are the prepared ones who needs it as a cure.

v

We were eating at a fast food chain nearby our residence. It was quarter past 4 am, so I wasnt expecting much diners at that time. What I anticipated were I supposed harlots  dressed up in skimpy skirts almost with lurking arse and tight sparkly tops showing their enhanced bosoms. They come in pairs or most of the time with their "bosses". We frequent this place most of the time at wee hours, and considering the location, this avenue is the cradle of flesh for sale,so the scene is not new. It’s December, so extra money is much needed. While we were enjoying the breakfast, what caught my attention was an old man around 60 something, sitting on a chair, fast asleep, his hands hanging low besides him. His mouth was gaped with saliva ready to fall anytime. He would move from time to time and take a little liberty to heave his moans. On his table was a noodle-soup cup and a glass of water half full. The eye catcher was the pill laid down on the cup, it was yellow and blue. I realized that he must have forgotten to down it, due to exaggerated intoxication and dozed off. His slippers were too small to occupy his swollen toes. Across his chair was a mercury drug plastic bag with gauzes, tissues and medical goodies as if it sat there like a passive companion . A number of teenagers sat beside his table parallel to us laughing and joking noisily but still he was asleep. We continued to eat our food, drank the coffee which I regretted ordering. My gaze shifted somewhere and I didnt notice how he was awakened so, I disguised my observation.  He got the water gargled it and throw it on the cup which made me almost vomit.I imagined myself being served on the same cup where he spewed just right now. Thanks to the bitter taste of coffee for healing my nausea. He drank the pill though and left walking as if he has chains shackled in between his feet.

I felt dreary. My fear of getting old and enduring pain like that showed up again.I know that in time, all the sediments of my negligence to take care of my physical body will arise by the time I am senile and unable to take care of my self. My husband and I, share the same sentiments over that issue. I dont like the idea of strolling in the mall, on a wheelchair to guide me as I watch people walk cozily around me. I dont wanna be the man I just saw, acting unbecomingly to a place he doesnt own, and loitering at the wee hours of the night hammered. He could have been sleeping on his cot at home and drink coffee when the morning comes.My point is, as we grow old, we must be more responsible to ourselves and our kids are not suppose to take this dilemnas.Albeit, I dont mean to be parrying any obligations at any given point in time to my parents. Each of us are responsible in minding what we would become later. Probably,I’d find a nursing home, where I can pay someone fix things for me not because they are forced to, but because it’s their job.

Being old is like eating with a pill as an extra dessert. When your whole body has deteriorated to function like the normal ones, they extend your strength to endure more, unluckily. We vamoosed the place like there was a huge realization left hanging over me. The crowd we left were younger ones and with body really strong and beautiful, yet I wondered if they ever noticed the man and imagine themselves years from now, wearing the same shoes. Life as we travel is cumbersome to others, fun for some, for someone like me..it’s a yet to be known… One chocolate mousse with pill on the side please?…

Twelve midnight came like usual. My daughter entered into our room, a few minutes before the eve, while I was preparing for work. I thought that she was going to ask me if I shall be donned in red or green as she said was Christmas colors, instead the idea of Santa brush off her mind. She said to me convincingly that I am the real one  who puts candies and chocolates on their socks when the clocks strikes at twelve. I smiled casually to her and assured her that there is a Santa riding a sleigh and quickly drops off these goodies. I wanted to ask her how she came up with that inkling, but elaborating it more might lead me to spilling the bean untimely. In time she will find it out her way too. A hug and a kiss made her feel contented. I put on her dress and she left. Downstairs the whole family was busy fixing the food. After the greetings  and gifts, we ate together.

There was a little banquet attended by my husband’s kins and close friends and we were not there. The reluctance between us just poured in as if water surfacing amidst the stormy sea. It might appear to them that we are party poopers trying to catch their attention, but we are not. Sometimes things just cannot be ignored for the sake of one day event. We walked out of the compound with the Christmas lights glowed like stardust sprinkled around us.Before I become tear jerky, I hailed a cab for work.

As I walk the aisle, my reps greeted me warmly, and returned a warmer greetings and a warmer smile. Sadly that was all that I could give.  A famous restaurant served the Noche Buena and I cannot say anything tasty about the food served. We are not trying to be unthankful with what the company has provided. The food was unsavory. We were served with spaghetti tossed with i-dunno-know tomato, fried chicken with honey mustard sauce which made it taste better, toasted bread hard as a frozen delight, and anyway my reps said that the best part was the brownies….tastes like crinkles.Anyway, we had our little exchange gifts. It was a wrong idea that  we have to be specific on what we wanted to receive. I felt that it defeats the thought of surprise knowing that we already know what we were going to receive…charge to experience.

Later in the afternoon, I spent time with my parents and sister and daughters..and at home. The entire day was ok even if I only had two hours of sleep to stand work and  Christmas. It went like people had to only let it pass for kids…and for the adults to give way for alcohol to sink in their bulging stomach.Moreover, I was delighted to see that my daughters loved the toys we bought for them. I guess, our inclination to look forward about these type of events becomes less of what is wrapped in the box but more on the real spirit of it. Unfortunately, I’m only referring to a few who are not as meaningful as others are..in the end….they are gonna say that’s all folks….

My  recent skepticism on celebrating Christmas froze for a while. There were  a few domestic trifles arising ironically amidst the season of giving as they so-called branded it.It can be forgotten but this aunt has an attitude of spoiling the momentum somewhere.And so my entangled mind, push this thought away to simply allow a little cheer peek through my bitter pill. My sister wanted to spend time with my parents whom we only get to see during Holidays or when they visit us here in Manila once in a while so she wanted all of us to eat in a restaurant. I was excited too. I get to laugh the way we used to do while talking about our childhood idiosyncrasies that we have outgrown as time passed by. We surprised her by giving her a nosegay of sweet smelling wild (?) i forgot….Her eyes glowed in joy and my paranoia of being old doubled. I totally forgot my  problems at this point. We ate happily.

Since the kids havent completed buying their stuffs yet, we have to stand the last minute shoppers jostling and smiling at the same time. At the back of my mind, it will take us hours waiting on the line at the fitting room, at the cashier, or even waiting for your right size.I said fine! But on the contrary we did it smoothly because of this silver Prestige Card that has been sleeping on my wallet. Being a cardholder you are entitled to an exclusive fitting room, counters,gift wrapping section, while non cardholders had to wait.This loyalty program from SM made me contented at least.How to have it….just shop til you drop. =)

Gathering dust sheaths books and momentos
    deep in the recesses of this old house
    where a grandfather clock no longer chimes

Paper once bright and sturdy, now
    clings to existence by mere fibers
    stained by the passing of time

Lively once, were the colors of statuettes
    collected in fervor from trips and loved ones
    but now they fade into colorless backdrops

The scent of age, stale, yet familiar
    comforts and feeds the mind with
    nostalgia - memories of a life long past

One can almost hear the laughter, the tears,
    the busy days passing in commotion
    as time stands still in this moment

This moment, etched in cherished memories…

~E.Easter