Time Warp

Weekend is the much awaited days in the life of those who are much preoccupied by work,at least it must be, for me.The only 48 hours in my life where the deliverables and reports is not an agenda. So let me restate that, "Oh yeah..that was before!". There were so many things that has changed when I started to  shoulder bigger responsibility in my hands. Unfortunately, it became cumbersome  to some extent. I thought these 48 hours is the best time for these two pairs of eyes who depends on me, but it isnt. I will dauntlessly admit, I was never a perfect mom. Although it’s yet to say, I can look back to chew over the things I have done, and yes I’m not. No one is as good as anyone else in that kind of job but that does not justify the capacity of not knowing how to love.

I thought this was weekend served a purpose. After keeping the failures in my closet for the longest time, I have realized the uselessness of hiding it for more. The only one benefiting from it is someone not even worthy of it. I didnt realized that it was too easy for me to believe a con artist.I am shaken twice, and repeating. Inasmuch as I wanted to spare these important people of the pain, of the facts, I felt that they have all the rights in the world to know me. Siblings I think have their own instincts, I know that she knows about it just merely looking on my countenance. Her eyes were shaking in disappointment and sadness.Her throat is choked with a controlled feelings wanting to burst out, but like I always expected from her, she’s the most composed amongst us. Then she just cried. For the first time I felt so, so sorry for her that I regretted it letting her know the baggages I was carrying and keeping from them for such a long time. However, the need to be with me was more of her purpose that listening from this two "perfect" (as I qouted) people who were like lions complaining continuously to save their own asses.She left and asks if I was ok, somehow.even if that wasnt what she meant. and I said I am but I faked it.

I am so tired.So shaken. We came to a decision where both shall walk on haywires of disbelief.

blink.blink.
I didnt realize I was staring on the cursor too long that I felt I was alone. The big monitors’ glare used to irritate my eyes before..especially when the lights are out,,,it’s the only source of radiance across this darkened room.Yet this time there was a feeling of remedy amidst my weary day.I was counting the blinking until I lost my count…before I could even type a word.I said to myself, "what was i supposed to write?"

Lately I have been rummaging through old files on our pc.I thought I need to back it up to make way for newer stuffs to be stored. There were so many things that reflects a past you wouldnt wanna go back to..or if you can, you just wish you had the power to alter things and not changing the good things that happened in the process. I scrolled up and down to old pictures, events and simple letters that could have made a difference if not taken for granted.
I said…im not gonna cry..but I just did. My face started to feel a rush of warm water running accross my cheeks and a silent sobs in between.Why did I cry? What did I cry for? I dont know why,ironically. I started to become pensive retrospecting the what if’s, what not’s. Wasnt I good enough?  or the attempt of trying is frivolous in the eyes of the unbecoming jurors.There is a poignant heave going through each inch of breathe that I take. In and out it passes furtively as if it was a crime. The little trifles turn out to be the key indicator of one’s contentment not being met. I’m not perfect and I’m not good either yet I was being optimistic that the choices I’ve made was the best ever there is. The consequences was fearlessly coped with even if there will be times I’d pretend the state of being totally unperturbed and strong, in a sense. No negotiations. In the act of being fed up for something, vengeance is done in the poorest manner, which is oxymoronic being said that. I was aiming for a more mature attempt on filling up the gaps of our selfish agendas. Needless to state that it didnt appear the way I was expecting it. The end-result of the latter came to be completely irreparable, that time would only tell. Arrogance is surfacing like it was the only feeling there is than humility when you have done something wrong..and the reactions is just the closest way to think of when hurt.

Unlike this pictures, I cannot scroll up and down, go back in forth just when I wanted it. Unlike this pictures, they are taken and made, processed underneath proper illumination. SIlked.or  Matted.Photoshop is just not a tool you can easily manifest to make the picture look better. Unlike life they cant be pictures.

Before I left SQ, a few friends that i’ve got decided to go out one night, coinciding one of our friends birthday.There were five of us to keep a company. We got together earlier but to our surprise even a close knit can be assumed disorganized. We hopped for bars to shelter  us,,and ended up partying half past twelve only to realize we’re gonna be just around the closing time. Part of the plan was going to Antipolo, but it didnt happen which was a OK. So we had a karaoke night. Some songs made me cry, some of them we yelled on top of our lungs. I am not a party girl anyway so the bitter taste of alcohol, again, doesnt give me an idea of pleasure somewhere in between. I said, I’d give it a try. I poured beer and ice and Cali on it..obviously I was still hesitant on trying but a little of it wont damage my sanity for the moment.. It didnt give me the same high that these drunkards gets.honestly just a little pounding on my head. My tolerance on alcohol is so flimsy.I dont do anything just for the heck of it ..or just so to appear odd. Anyway, that night I wanna feel guilty,thinking of my little baby in bed where I was supposed to be in place juxtaposed by my two wonderful kids.,,yet I felt I needed this, "afterall".I never felt so home anymore. I’m tied up clinging myself to the edge. Those eyes that  judged me and misinterpreted my intentions overhauled my whole self. I have invested my time to someone whose mere understanding of life revolves around no one else but their own. And the idea of compassion is misconstrued  taking to a level where  even the only person who withstood yet til the end of nothingness to the minutest part left is hurt and is still hurting.

When I am at my own home, that defines me. I feel some freedom in the sense of not always minding what I do would be taken against me and dispensed in a manner where my explanations are futile. The communion between you and the people who will never take you for granted, nevertheless is just overflowing that sometimes you feel at ease that the acceptance will be there all the time.We can call it consanguinity probably.Still clueless. Still, I am fish swimming out of water.

Finally, I was transferred to a different location, something I’d always turned down to whenever asked.
Besides the fact that I’d have longer travel time,it also involve smore money spent, new acquaintances,
new bosses, new place….new in almost everything. While trying to savor the last days from my old account
I suddenly had the feeling of excitement that at one point I felt I was so fed-up with what I’m doing here.
This is where you felt like the people around you get’s too close enough to be annoying,and acts as if they
were some entity to fear. Yet, behind all the excitements is the sadness that I would be losing contact of
these few people who turned each of those fed-up moments to something else. But I have to face it,no doubt
about that.

SO I’m here. I became a six-year old kiddo awed and excited nevertheless. My eyes were at bay to anything that
I see. I dont know the entrance and the exits..the place is huge…so I make sure i memorize the paths. I’ve learned one thing that i think is just emminent everyday..it’s the reality that’s slapping me on a daily basis making me immune to it. ..and i will be used to it.Anyway,the security in the building is just so tight that I thought the color of my ID would set a difference in the eyes of this men and women in uniform walking up in rows with their freaking walkie-talkies. And sometimes annoying them gives me  little high..ironically…that’s my next agenda.

It has been a helster-skelter process this past few weeks where they can be categorized as something terminal and cannot be cured. I know how it had been for me going through this in my own confinement and looking back is just coming as I heave a sigh. Everyday I sham every courage to face what’s real and what cannot be real. This were the moments where I enjoy a blank stare to nothingness and a smile casted by a stranger.

If you know where I’m coming from, you will understand me. For some reasons that this may not be an isolated case for some, it is like I’m a fish out of water, galloping in a dry humid air of survival. Yet, I say maybe enough of this..it has caused too much disturbance to my self and my very self. Then I thought there were things I have neglected before that brought so much joy in me. Friends who may be unaware of your constant dilemnas yet they acknowledge your presence and savor each moment you talk while sitting in an al fresco resto, devouring on a pancake each morning served with hot chocolate….brings heaven to me while the cold air fills the night…{romantic}..*sighs

……..pancakes will complete my day from now on……….