Time Warp

It’s another year again for me to decipher what lies ahead of me. And I am honestly ambiguous pertinent to the direction of my career while I am a breasfeeding mother,with a 6-year old  independent young kid and an extended family for that matter. I feel the pressure hanging all over me and the more that I feel it, the more that I am becoming clueless.  After childbirth, my mind became totally oblivious of the fact that I cannot do it by myself although with but with focus and determination I know that I can. Besides that, there were plenty of set backs brought about by the pasts’ unimaginable circumstances. YEAH bills, domestic trifles and bills.

One time I wrote them all down starting from the minutest to the gravest in weights and I realized that the most trivial is the hardest thing to fix. So I said this is what lies ahead. This year I felt accomplished though, I had another baby , so wonderful that I see no pain in her eyes. So pure and innocent.,,that alone eliminates all uncertainties that I harbor. She makes me feel so sure of life that even if I have been bitten and crumpled so many times by some ruthless entity, we stood and fought realizing that this rascals dont give any meaning to my life but her. A small piece of positive sign to a bigger breathing wonderful child.

Back in high school, my History teacher taught us how to develop our ESP. She said that most of us can nurture that kind of specialty although some are innate….and I felt I somehow had at least one of the ESP. So, I followed her instructions by forcing myself to wake up on each and every end of my dream., with my sleepy head I would grab the notebook hidden underneath my pillows along with a pencil. I’d compose sentences and buzzwords that will make me recall exactly how my dream went. As soon as I get up, I’d read what I have written and try to decipher all the hints and come up with a whole story. For 3 months or so I would diligently rummaged through my drowsy thoughts..while I was mentally believing I was already developing that freaking ESP. Until one day I realized, it’s kinda crazy because I was the only one led to be persuaded by that idea. I even asked my friends one hot afternoon while we were waiting for the next class, and they looked at me, with their mouth agape. They didnt know I really would follow it and buy that crap…or maybe I was the only one fooled.

As months progressed I stopped doing it although I have kept a journal of those dreams..Sometimes, I would read them back in forth maybe just trying to memorize and recall each fantasies..and funny how even simple scenarios that happened during my REM’s is accounted for. One day, we were sitting along the aisle, and what exactly happened that morning was the same way I have written it on my journal. My eyes were awed. I told my friends about it, and they say it can happen..so they call it deja` vu .. and I thought maybe …I’m just being ridiculous.After that incident, I would find my self at the library during free time perusing thouroughly on meaning and literature of dreams.. even til college..;)

As time passes Im no longer visited by dreams that much. I would guess that it’s because we become preoccupied by a lot of things and it would normally occur during the times when your mind is still free and juvenile. This morning, I had a dream. Me and my friend { dunno who she was} went to the house of my classmate in high school. He belonged in a rich family..not filthy rich but a status taken due to perseverance and frugality as I would say. I didnt see him exactly there, but I have a son with him around 4 or 5yrs old. Though I was surprised to find out to myself having a son with him, I was led by the events. We slept in their house and his parents were happy to know that they have a grandkid. They treat me nicely even if both parties were still shy and awkward on the first meeting.

During breakfast I told hub about it, and he sort of gave an interpretation to it. And I said maybe..Dreams as far I have gone through reading is a representation of your subconcious mind, of what you want and dont want unknowingly..Well, at one point I would believe that. There are things in our life we leave unspoken so as not to hurt or maybe just being cautious…So I would rather just have my dreams……put it into words..

It was Mozart on the background…somehow I felt like being drifted into another dimension and I was enjoying it. A place where it can only be found in movies, perfect lines and good costumes. I didnt know that I was beginning to create my own movie, where I wrote the lines in such a manner that I favor would happen…geesh im becoming foolishly sentimental..Anyhow throughout the ups and downs, I am slowly trying to learn and manage to be of composure when I have to..At this point, I could say it’s aggravated due to the imbalance of whatever in my system during gravidity., despite of that I have mustered all courage and steadfastness..We are all susceptible to pain and imbalances and what characterizes one from another is the manner we face them and execute all possible solutions. Anyway, early today, I fixed xy to school. She amazes me like always on how she says and asks things spontaneously. Whenever I look into her eyes, I can see a quick succor to what I’m going through. She smiles and talks like pacifying me all the time. Maybe that’s a mother thing. Each of you can feel the connections very easily without asking why. She never fails to thank me whenever I give what I have promised. The other day, she asked me if I was crying, well I wasnt. but deep within I was.. I cannot hide my feelings to her. She grabbed a tissue and handed it over to me…akin to her expressing that it was ok to be sad and cry if you feel like crying a river. And I felt as if she told me, “Mom dont be afraid to show me your feelings, for I will understand"…I think later on she’ the closest who can understand me.. Like her, we are all just pieces of something to harbor when fate strikes. When series of questions come in array and still clueless of any answers. Xy was able to manage it, to face me when I was sad, at a very young age.. That incident, I felt there was a certaing tinge of embarassment and I knew my face grew crimson in front of her…She can be happy of her own. without being dependent of others, and takes things as it is without asking why.no buts. no ifs. And that I will learn..

My toes were tired so I sat in one corner to ease up. There was a nearby coffee shop where I can grab a sit but it’s a Saturday so every one’s busy on their coffee. breathe in, breathe out..yeah felt cool…I checked my cellphone if there is any messages from hub, none. He was checking on pc parts with the kids while me and mom look around, wherelse home stuffs. I think this is where most women at my age go to..While waiting for them, an old man came by, flanked by two middle aged guys around 35-40 and I assume the man must be their grandpa. He can hardly walk with strides so slow and careful. The cane can hardly guide his steps so the two man had to help each and every way. As  usual, he is dressed up by beige polo shirt, the linen ones while tucked on gray slacks with belt almost halfway through the waist and the shoes were one of those white Advan rubber shoes..,and at the back of your mind "why do they always tuck it so tightly as if they cant breathe?"..And this is their common fashion.the senile way…My mother called up my attention , I didnt know the ice cream I was eating have already melted and it’s dripping on the floor. Until suddenly I heard familiar voices…it’s my kids.

Everyone’s tired so we decided to eat.My 5-year-old almost went to sleep so we headed to the food court where she can lie down comfortably while we eat. I thought she’d wake up because of the band playing but she didnt, must be tired from running here and there. It was quarter past 5pm, we wend our way home. I have to cancel the grocery thing because we also have to visit his grandpa at the hospital. Diabetes. It’s been a couple of days now since he was admitted. The doctor said they have to trim down the sugar level via insulin injections, which means it’s not a simple diabetes. In addition to that he also lost a lot of potassium which must be responsible in balancing and normalizing blood flow..coz up to now he couldnt walk. We brought banana, one good source of K.  When we came he was smiling to us..like he always does, he keeps on asking questions he didnt realized he have already asked several times..and I’d always answer..
The irony inside the room,there were at least 3 older man his age battling over old age. One had Alzheimers’, he keeps on ranting about the carabaos not being put to stables, the other has asthma  gasping his breathe over the nebulizer while the other one  was suffering from angina pectoris.
I felt  a certain feeling of fear. What would’ve happen to me if I were around that age?! I have two kids and I cannot guarantee myself I’d be taken cared of..or would I want them to suffer like this. When I would be wearing adult diapers, and wash my ass after my poofing….do i still want to sustain my life for a little bit while it’s tantamount to my kids burden? I really felt afraid. My husband always tells me that if he reached a point where he is old and useless, he said bring me on top of the building and push me..or just kill me. I figured life is like having to enjoy it during the heydays and suffer to the end. {sighs} But life’s like that..best part of it is having to experience good things while you can, and what about those who cant since time immemorial.

However, I know that these old people doesnt want to be a burden inasmuch as again. But at this point they are helpless. Can they just make a tablet called "euthanasia"! Maybe I wouldnt feel this much fright……

<<<<<<<<<and with this countenance??!! gives me more creep!….

No net. No phone.No cable….I feel like out running in the wild. But I say hey no. This things were the only aspects to make me run wild. Recollecting my younger days where simple things meant a lot. My ultimate dream then was not of barbie dolls collection and dreamland…I just wanted to ride a carousel. Having to grow up in an environment were crickets was an indication of dusk, and catching  dragonflies every mid afternoon basking underneath the sun,..collecting shells by the sea shore and throwing stones  by the sea..and whoever gets to throw the farthest will have the closest chance to have a wish come true. .As I remember them, there’s a wishful thinking.. I hope that those days when your contentment were just as simple as that can still be as simple as it is when technology has taken over. So I may not have internet for 2 days, no cable or no phone but i still have ways to enjoy life. I went out with hubby and the mall was the closest destination.frozen milo and burger.getaway number one!..

They say men were naturally good.Born with clean slate.No what-so-ever sins that emanated from a thousand years ago…And still people prove their might to nature, to others who doesn’t even care two minutes after. and these makes the whole universe twisted..
So where does it start?..Anyway that night I never imagined it would’ve happened. Everytime I think of it, I look back umpteen times to ask what has been wrong. We came to do actions that is very unlikely, until that feelings you hold on to collapse like an ice melting amidst the flaming heat of sunlight….like an ember slowly turning into ash. The same eyes that concealed feelings leading to believe the world is filled with love..The same arms that held me when the nights were cold and freezing…The same man I fought for against everyone else…The same man that i love more than ever….is the same man I hated…I am enduring a reprisal commited by someone in his past…..
And the words were irreversible including the pain chiseled in to make me feel this contempt. I said..I have given up. The word too much was very applicable that I ended up waking in my makeshift bravado and realized this has to end,..I felt nothing. And days passed without bothering to talk to him. I felt I was at peace. No pain,.. so this must be good. A contingency plan is already brewing up at my side…

…But it didnt end the way I wanted it to. That person asked me to get him back..It wasnt easy. I came to myself if that feelings was there but i cannot find it anymore. The night I saw my self waking up, was when I left and had all vanished…And this time i’d say man is really born with an intention to be good to others. I didnt know that the night I have allowed myself to hate him was really the time I have totally forgiven him. I was denying myself from something else..that night was when I completely let him off the hook. I have to let go. I need to accept that I am there to be his only someone who will pull him up in his weakest moment. and bring him up to where we all started. forgiveness and letting go.and no one will do it if I wont. He’s my alter ego.the other half of the whole pie. I know that I may not be back the same way I did but at least we can start with everything cleaned up…clean slate,,,…a good beginning…and the key is just "letting go"..and it felt good..

I have been hooked up watching the series "Lost" . Initially, I wasn’t really enticed by it until the 5th episode was the first part I’ve seen. The story ran about 46 or so people who were stranded on an island due to a plane crash. Anyway, each episodes shows story of the survivors before they were on a the crash or at least  what they were. The doctor played the main role, being able to save lives…guiding and giving the last string of hope to all. I have just noticed that each one of them had something to get over with..mistakes and a past they are trying to run away. And in their current situation accepting the "what should’ve been"  became more difficult…letting go..Lost  in a place where neither optismism and logic can be grasped..and the thin line between denial and faith is so slim and any moment anyone crashes will break it with no defense left.

One way or another I felt something relative to their stories.. I have done things and experienced through series of difficulties  outside of my parents turf. I have made decisions and end up blaming myself for it if I hadnt like the outcome. But I can let it go in such a way that Im gonna make it myself transcending every battle the second time around..and i say no…and cry., that thin line i have between denial and faith is slowly deteriorating..and when the time comes i’ll just be a freaking someone drifted apart..

Well it took place. Change. Still the difficulty of getting enough rest before going to work arises. I was anxious for work tonight..the urge to sleep came by the time i have to stand up and take a bath. The pouring rain outside  aggravated the dawdling..until I saw the time close to tardiness. Got the cab and the fare came to a very surprising rate which of course I got the driver’s attention.He somehow eschewed my interrogation but that is something I dont buy. Im a regular commuter so I know exactly how the rate is, given the wee hours…and he left like speedy  gonzales!

I was right. I came to enjoy the new group and found old friends belonging in the same cluster which made me more comfortable more than ever.  I didnt even know that there was only four hours left.. My little bundle kicks quite occasionally and my prayers goes to him to be healthy and in good shape..Me and hubby had lunch together, which is something we always enjoy doing together either over  a piece of cake or a whole 12-inch pizza or a P10 sunday cone.

..at least i was able to get through going home happy compared to yesterday..

Change is quite too normal in our daily encounter. Even if each day seems so alike still everday is different..Change of weather…people you meet on the train..or even the number of strides you take when you reach your desk at work.Yesterday we were surprised that we have to be in another group again, plunging on a different schedule and mates you will have to deal with. New sup, saying their daily litany to reps that kinda sucks every time you hear them say it …all you have to say is "Amen." { excuse me if i have to use it!}.

Although I have been very moody, I had it viewed on a new perspective..that i will gain more friends, learn to work with these people and perform better! (DUHHH). And with these, I felt a little compensation. We just have to face changes on an angle others dont see or deny to accept.  { sigghhs} At home, all is well. This space helps me vent out my varying moods which I have not done until lately. I would blog on a normal basis then and now it’s becoming a habit again..The need to sleep creeps now so I have to retire.